Exploration

Today has been a bit of a struggle. My need for affection and touch are very strong. There's nothing like being held sometimes. The person you want isn't an option and a stranger makes your skin crawl. So what are you left with? Nature. The outdoors usually cure my blues for at least in the moment. Remember, the moment is all we have so embrace it and do what makes you happy. Forget what's going to happen later or tomorrow. It doesn't matter. Go exploring. Alone or with a friend. Take in the beauty that surrounds you. Smell the smells all around you and hug a tree if you feel the urge. It will make you feel closer to the Earth and connected to nature. Remember to breath. 

I have everything I need to be happy

For so long, 28 years to be exact, I have depended on other people for my happiness. I Continuously blamed my father for the lack of attention and my mother for staying in an emotionally abusive marriage. Of course I have been attracted to men that are emotionally disconnected and treat the women in their life with dishonesty and little to no respect. Makes sense right? 

I can only blame my mother and father for so long. There's no need to go into detail here because it's time for me to live in the present and let go of the past, Let go of the blame and stopping myself from suffering any longer and using what I have beneath the scars to create peace and happiness in my life. 

Also, allowing only supportive and positive people back into my life. It's okay if not everyone likes you. Not everyone will. Not everyone will get you and that's okay. Be yourself and do what makes you happy while being mindful of others at the same time. 

Fighting depression

It isn't easy. The hardest thing I've ever had to face. Layers and layers. Years and years battling this void deep inside me. More than a decade of searching for a remedy. Doctors, meds, therapists, more doctors and meds. It's never ending. The funny thing is, no one can help dig myself out of this deep dark hole but myself. No one can bring me relief but myself. No man, job, or amount of money can bring me peace. It's all up to me now from here on out. I want to leave this world and be remembered not for my accomplishments but for how I treated the people around me. I want to leave this Earth knowing that I brought love and joy to each and every person I have laid eyes on. People are beautiful. Animals are beautiful. Life is beautiful with all of its imperfections. 

Burn it

I read somewhere that writing it down and burning it is a good way to let go. Thoughts and feelings from the present and the past. I am horrible at letting things and people go. I am not so good at living in the moment. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow doesn't exist. All we have is here and now. I am the only one that can relieve my pain. I am the only one that can bring peace to my mind. Happiness will follow as long as I continue to do the things that make me happy. Here's to letting go. Here's to the here and now 

Sitting on the sun

LOVE in the SUN

Depression & Anxiety

It's been a rough few days. The doc prescribed me Cylexa for my depression and anxiety. Turns out I'm possibly allergic to it. After one dose, I started trippin' like I was on acid and not a good trip either. A bad trip.
Next, I had an anxiety attack and it felt as though my skin was on fire.
Lastly, I felt like I was high on coke. I was up all Friday night. One of the most horrible nights of my life.
The crap is finally out of my system. Thank you Universe. Never again...

CHROME

Therapy

Started the day with some grapefruit and back to therapy I go.

Effie the Spaniel

4am Crazies

Midwest Mozzy and his corn on the cob.

Cupcakes!

Gluten free vegan peanut butter and chocolate cupcakes.
I think I'll be making these from now on instead of cupcakes with wheat flour. So moist and fluffy despite the lack of gluten.

Lunch and a Squirrel

My gluten free and vegan version of a fish sandwich. Tofu seasoned with seafood herbs and spices, dry sautéed with vegenaise and tartar sauce on gluten free bread.

Squirrels chattering away on the roof plotting something. I think they live in our attic.

DIY Car Repair

Thank you to my sister Michele and my brother-in-law Larry for sending me the parts to fix my 1979 Toyota Corona wagon. Stella will be back to working in no time at all. Mozzy is pretty stoked about it. He likes to watch me work.

Vegan and Gluten Free Banana Pancakes

2 medium ripe bananas
3/4 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk
1 to 2 cups of old fashioned gluten free oats
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt

1) Toss bananas and milk into a food processor for 30 seconds or until blended.
2) Add the rest of ingredients. If too runny, add more oats. If too thick, add more milk.
3)Cook on pancake griddle or flat pan on stove top like regular pancakes. Spray griddle with vegan cooking spray.

THE CURE FOR ANYTHING IS SALT WATER, SWEAT, TEARS OR THE SEA

Two of my favorite things; a crow and the sea. I am starting to feel land locked here in Indianapolis. It is time to visit my old backyard, the Atlantic Ocean.

Broccoli and Edamame Soup

My roommate calls it "Exorcist vomit" but I promise you it taste nothing like it. Tastes good with a few crostini's with melted vegan cheese on top, but I ate it with toasted gluten free bread instead. Pretty tasty. :)

A Square of Sun

Woke up to Mozzy soaking up some vitamin D this morning. He makes a good point. I should get some too.

Rihanna "STAY" ft. Mikky Ekko

All along it was a fever A cold sweat high-headed believer I threw my hands in the air and said, "Show me something," He said, "If you dare come a little closer." Round and around and around and around we go Oh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know Not really sure how to feel about it. Something in the way you move Makes me feel like I can't live without you. it takes me all the way. I want you to stay It's not much of a life you're living It's not just something you take – it's given Round and around and around and around we go Oh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know Not really sure how to feel about it. Something in the way you move Makes me feel like I can't live without you. it takes me all the way. I want you to stay. Oh the reason I hold on Oh cause I need this hole gone Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving Not really sure how to feel about it. Something in the way you move Makes me feel like I can't live without you. it takes me all the way. I want you to stay, stay. I want you to stay, oh.

World of Imperfections and a window of opportunity

Secrets are to never scare but to share a piece of you that either no one or very few people know about you. You entrust your words to those that will never deceive you. To those that will never run away. Some of us learn the hard way and reveal a piece of ourselves to early or too late, which only causes more harm than good. They run for the hills as if you were a monster hiding in their closet.

I believe that we run away from what we don't know or what we have experienced in our past. What we don't know scares the shit out of us and what we do know isn't something we want to look face to face with ever again.

I am broken. You are broken. We all are broken. Our imperfections are what make us unique and one of a kind. Without them, life would be meaningless. We would have nothing to look forward too. Nothing to fix. Nothing to accomplish.

Life is beautiful even with all of its ugliness. Imperfection is beautiful. Perfection is useless.

.

Cookies and cream cupcakes

Baking soothes the heart.

Friends

Surround yourself with friends that bring out the best in you. Don't ever stand for people that put you down for being yourself. Your friends are the ones you can trust with your secrets no matter how big or small. They will never run nor smother you. They are the light in the darkness that surrounds you.

Gotta sink to swim

The closest thing to a dip in the ocean.

Murder of Crows

Twice a year, crows descend upon the city of Indianapolis. I love them so.

Danny Trejo

He helps get the dishes done.