Exploration

Today has been a bit of a struggle. My need for affection and touch are very strong. There's nothing like being held sometimes. The person you want isn't an option and a stranger makes your skin crawl. So what are you left with? Nature. The outdoors usually cure my blues for at least in the moment. Remember, the moment is all we have so embrace it and do what makes you happy. Forget what's going to happen later or tomorrow. It doesn't matter. Go exploring. Alone or with a friend. Take in the beauty that surrounds you. Smell the smells all around you and hug a tree if you feel the urge. It will make you feel closer to the Earth and connected to nature. Remember to breath. 

I have everything I need to be happy

For so long, 28 years to be exact, I have depended on other people for my happiness. I Continuously blamed my father for the lack of attention and my mother for staying in an emotionally abusive marriage. Of course I have been attracted to men that are emotionally disconnected and treat the women in their life with dishonesty and little to no respect. Makes sense right? 

I can only blame my mother and father for so long. There's no need to go into detail here because it's time for me to live in the present and let go of the past, Let go of the blame and stopping myself from suffering any longer and using what I have beneath the scars to create peace and happiness in my life. 

Also, allowing only supportive and positive people back into my life. It's okay if not everyone likes you. Not everyone will. Not everyone will get you and that's okay. Be yourself and do what makes you happy while being mindful of others at the same time. 

Fighting depression

It isn't easy. The hardest thing I've ever had to face. Layers and layers. Years and years battling this void deep inside me. More than a decade of searching for a remedy. Doctors, meds, therapists, more doctors and meds. It's never ending. The funny thing is, no one can help dig myself out of this deep dark hole but myself. No one can bring me relief but myself. No man, job, or amount of money can bring me peace. It's all up to me now from here on out. I want to leave this world and be remembered not for my accomplishments but for how I treated the people around me. I want to leave this Earth knowing that I brought love and joy to each and every person I have laid eyes on. People are beautiful. Animals are beautiful. Life is beautiful with all of its imperfections. 

Burn it

I read somewhere that writing it down and burning it is a good way to let go. Thoughts and feelings from the present and the past. I am horrible at letting things and people go. I am not so good at living in the moment. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow doesn't exist. All we have is here and now. I am the only one that can relieve my pain. I am the only one that can bring peace to my mind. Happiness will follow as long as I continue to do the things that make me happy. Here's to letting go. Here's to the here and now 

Sitting on the sun

LOVE in the SUN

Depression & Anxiety

It's been a rough few days. The doc prescribed me Cylexa for my depression and anxiety. Turns out I'm possibly allergic to it. After one dose, I started trippin' like I was on acid and not a good trip either. A bad trip.
Next, I had an anxiety attack and it felt as though my skin was on fire.
Lastly, I felt like I was high on coke. I was up all Friday night. One of the most horrible nights of my life.
The crap is finally out of my system. Thank you Universe. Never again...

CHROME